1. When crossing the sea- 'This is your captain speaking. I just wanted to take the time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.'
2. 'Don't worry folks, our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight-seeing extravaganza.'
3. 'Hey folks, we're gonna play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and recieve an extra bag of peanuts.'
4. 'It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.'
5. 'To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.'
6. 'Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the cockpit.'
7. From the Stewardess after placing a drink order: 'Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.'
8. 'Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ...Eject! Eject!'
9. 'Hey why don't you tell that new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.'
10. 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.'