I guess what I'm saying here is that if you're going to be miserable whether you divorce your wife or not, then why do it?
Because I'll never have a chance to be with anyone else so long as I stay married. It's like what Jophiel said a few months ago when I was talking about the person at the comic store. There was a great emphasis on the fact that I am married.
Jophiel from several months ago wrote:
It's not wrong for you to socialize -- it is pretty creepy to have some dude "making an effort" towards you when (a) he's married and more importantly (b) you're just there to play cards or take photos or hike or whatever.
Your problem isn't that society is keeping you down, your problem is that you're a married man whose idea of socializing is to find and obsess over random women who just act friendly.
Maybe if I were not married-- if my wife had not come barreling in that day to scream at me in front of my new friend to show how scary she could be and to mark her territory, there could have been a chance things might have been different. Maybe.
It's too much for most people to comprehend that being married does not necessarily mean happily married. I can't simply wait for someone who will ignore the ring on my hand, nor will I lie about whether or not I'm married.
As far as I'm concerned, the relationship I have with my wife is the exactly the same as being single, except I have a controlling, jealous roommate that controls every aspect of my life from what I am eating that day to when I am allowed to sleep. There is no intimacy. No affection. We aren't even friends. She goes to work, then comes home and sleeps. On her days off, she will sleep all day AND all night. That's it. I try to tell her about all of the things I talk about on here and she tells me that I'm stressing her out and she doesn't know what to tell me. I tell her that I feel like killing myself nearly every day, because I do, and she says that she worries about the safety of her children and whether or not she'll come home one day and find me dead on the floor. So every day we have the same conversation over Skype while she is at work, and ultimately it leads to neither of us knowing what to do about it and oh well, that's that. I take care of everything that needs to get done then spend the rest of the day sleeping or studying or playing a game to distract myself from the overwhelming need to walk outside and jump in front of a speeding box truck.
That won't happen, though. Nothing ever happens. Nothing changes. Any choice I can make to try and change things will serve only to make things worse, just as gbaji has said. My marriage to my wife is the only relationship I have ever had with anyone. If I weren't with her, I would be with no one, and what little comfort I have in not being completely alone would be gone. I would not be able to survive in that state for very long at all. The topic of divorce will probably never come up from either me or my wife. She says she expects I will cheat on her because we never do anything together. It's like she wants me to so she'll have a reason to get rid of me, but that will never happen, either. There is no one to "cheat" with. There is simply no one. She is the only one who has ever given me any sort of chance, and now that we've had our $30 courthouse marriage and a child together, she is done with me. It has been this way ever since he was born. Yet, she doesn't want me to die. She doesn't want me to leave, either. I am not allowed to talk to other women, lest she gets jealous. I am to be kept here. I am like some old junk that serves no real purpose but holds just enough sentimental value to not throw away. Aside from stressing her out with my depression and thoughts of suicide, I don't cause any problems. There is no fighting. No violence. No yelling-- all those kinds of things I have come to expect from relationships growing up.
So what will most likely happen is: We will move to Tampa as soon as she finds a job and a place for us to live there. When that will be exactly is uncertain... The reason we are moving is because my stepdaughter's father is moving there, and custody arrangements demand he gets to see her on weekends and holidays. So we will move with him. I will continue my classes there and continue my role as a male housewife until I graduate and find a job in radiology... after that is uncertain.
I feel like the only reason I'm going to school to try and get a decent job is so I can be independent from my wife... so that once I'm independent I can go my own way and afford to live on my own, drive my own car, etc. Today was the last day of my psychology class. I cried the entire way home because there was one person in that class I was particularly interested in who I realized I would probably never see again-- who I barely ever had a chance to talk to, and when I did, I chose not to out of lack of courage. She knew I was married. Everyone does. The very first thing anyone said to me the moment I walked into that class was my teacher informing me that she knew my mother and she knew my wife. I managed to make a bit of small talk with that person over the 4 weeks of that class, and there was one day the school held some event that felt like a carnival of sorts with games and such, where by some strange phenomena the two of us were together the whole time despite the rest of the class being there. It felt like we were on a date, and it seemed
to have broken the ice a little-- and perhaps, just perhaps
, it is possible my feelings for her are reciprocated.
But of course, I am a creep for feeling this way. I am married. I am nearly twice her age. I am just obsessing over someone again whereas I should simply feel indifferent about everyone as they are with me. I found her Facebook page, but not because she told me her info. Creep! I could send her a friend request and attempt to talk to her again, and most likely relive the whole nightmare I experienced with the girl from the comic store. Maybe worse. Maybe not as bad. Or I could just let her go-- let it fall apart, and throw her in the fire to burn with all the others.
It's funny because this was my psychology class. I finished with a 92.3% average, maintaining my 4.0 in this school. Everything I learned in that class is contradictory to what everyone tells me-- about a need to associate, to feel love and belonging. Even se
x is considered a physiological need
. --that happiness has everything to do with our relationships with other people
. Given that, I don't see myself as a person with mental illness. I see myself as someone whos needs are consistently unmet. I am extremely torn-- because my experiences reflect a situation where there is no hope, but somehow I remain optimistic that something could change and make everything worthwhile. All it would take is one person.