I have a problem (was forum=28)Follow

I'd go deeper than that since BDSM means different things to different people. We're not talking fuzzy handcuffs here.


Right. And the time to determine this is now rather than when they're more romantically entangled.


So long as he knows where you're trying to take him, sure.

If you really are into that much kink, I will tell you right now that if he's dominant enough sexually, he would have already sensed what you need and he's waiting for a sign from you. You'd be surprised. What most people don't understand is that for the most part, the submissive really is the one in control. The dominant is the one that takes the submissive to the submissive's boundaries, but for all intents and purposes, the submissive is the one that sets the boundaries. It's the dominant's responsibility to push those boundaries and take care of the submissive.

Easiest approach: Buy some **** of various genres with him. Gauge what he's looking at. You'll be able to figure out where his boundaries are and how yours and his can mesh. After you guys have some playtime, that's when you bring up specific needs.

If you try to make it too much like a roadmap before anything happens, it's difficult to get into the fantasy because there's already things set in stone.

This.

While a lot of people here are saying "You'd be surprised how daring a partner can be in the throes of passion," I personally find it the exact opposite. I've dated a girl who loved all sorts of things: dirty talk, being held down, tied up... oddly enough, not hair pulling. But it weirded me out. No, I don't want my partner to lie there like a dishrag, but I don't want her screaming out like a **** star with every thrust either (I'm not THAT good!), or growling dirty words in my ear while I'm trying to focus on multiplication tables and lasting longer. She kept trying to get me to become more dominant, more aggressive, more violent. I didn't like it. I don't want to make love every time, but I also don't want to mouth off lines that comes straight out of ****; it makes me laugh, and laughter tends to break the sexual stride.

I think it's a lot more important, if you think the kink is a significant necessity in your sex, to be open about it but ease into it slowly. And it's important to note that he may not like it at all, or will be uncomfortable and unwilling to go further... in which case you're probably not sexually compatible. That sucks, but it sucks more to be unfulfilled in a relationship.

Well, duh. You wrap them up as a present and say "honey, I bought us a few things that I think could really heat up the bedroom."

Edited, Dec 8th 2011 2:43pm by Spoonless

As a pervert encyclopedia, I'll chime in on this thread, and say the best path is the open and honest one. Have a conversation with him about your particular kinks. As a pervert, you should already be at least somewhat comfortable talking about what you want to do, or else you aren't properly negotiating scenes, and that leads to disaster. I'm not saying you have to just come out and say "BTW, I like being cut, burned, and choked," but ease into the conversation. Ask if he has kinks, or even likes kink. I can guarantee you that if you are feeling that need for BDSM play, and there is no hope of getting it from him, you are not going to be happy in the long run, and it's best to not find that sort of thing out once you're really entangled.

On a tangent, you straight people always do things the hard way, especially when it comes to sex. The gays, especially the leathergays, have all sorts of symbols, codes, and gestures to advertise particular fetishes and positions. I've gone home with more than one guy, without even speaking a word, and had a brilliant one night stand with zero "Oh, BTW, this is my shaved spider monkey in a gimp suit slathered in mayo," moments.

Stop making sex so complicated, prudes.

What's the handkerchief symbol for that, anyway?

This, definitely. Unless looking for the kink stuff outside of the relationship is an option.

Or you just link them to a list of all your fetishes. Not really useful for a one night stand though... Maybe a QR code?

I'm all for this. Just make it so it only compares to your list of fetishes and not to just another. Both so you don't have to scan twice and that you can't still peek at other peoples "weird" fetishes.

How is this thread not in the Asylum yet? You bribed LockeColeMA with video footage, didn't you Delva?

Your mom makes sex SO @#%^ING COMPLICATED.

YOU *******, HE HAS TWO DADS

WHERE DO YOU THINK HE INHERITED THE GAY FROM

I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T AFFORD A UHAUL UNTIL NEXT WEEK SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PUT OFF LOOKING FOR A ONE NIGHT STAND

YOU CAN'T DO THAT I'M 9