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#52 Dec 08 2011 at 9:32 PM Rating: Good
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To the Op, If you're into cuts and burns, you must have scars. Seems that might cue him in.
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#53 Dec 08 2011 at 9:40 PM Rating: Default
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Try to keep this in mind: If he is curious; and he does try it, and it doesn't work out for you two in the long run; You'll probably have ruined him sexually for a very long time.
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#54 Dec 09 2011 at 5:54 AM Rating: Good
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Elinda wrote:
To the Op, If you're into cuts and burns, you must have scars. Seems that might cue him in.
Most people who are into cutting, burning or other things that may leave scars try to make sure that they don't leave scars so there's a pretty good chance that she has very few or no scars.

Kelvyquayo wrote:
Try to keep this in mind: If he is curious; and he does try it, and it doesn't work out for you two in the long run; You'll probably have ruined him sexually for a very long time.
Or a whole new world of fun is opened up to him. Or he just goes back to being vanilla and happy with that.
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#55 Dec 09 2011 at 6:21 AM Rating: Excellent
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Many, many people have kinks. That doesn't mean everyone is comfortable with their kinks, or sadly with sex in general. Have the discussion. Keep it respectful.

I like the idea of drawing him out to talk about what he likes, and using that as a lead-in. "For example, I'm into some stuff that might seem... strange to a lot of people."

While you don't have to show him the dungeon on the first date, you do need to make sure he's at least a candidate for long-term kinky fun to avoid wasting his time, as Joph and others have pointed out.
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#56 Dec 09 2011 at 9:18 AM Rating: Decent
I get asphyxiation, spanking, submission, cutting- to an extent, & maybe even the blood (Twi-hards aren't quite as bad as Furries. On a related note, I checked in a hot, sweaty, 'Spergy "Owl" last night & it was every bit as creepy as you'd imagine it would be.)

I don't understand how anyone can enjoy getting burned. Hot wax? Sure, stings for a bit but doesn't really burn you.
Straight up burned? Hell no. Being burned hurts- a lot, for a long ass time, & leaves scars.
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#57varusword75, Posted: Dec 09 2011 at 9:31 AM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) Delva,
#58 Dec 09 2011 at 9:35 AM Rating: Good
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Something tells me
You say that like you've ever come to a conclusion that wasn't spoon fed to you.
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#59 Dec 09 2011 at 1:58 PM Rating: Excellent
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#60 Dec 10 2011 at 4:27 PM Rating: Good
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Sorry everyone! I have been away from my computer for a couple of days. So, I took y'alls advice and we started talking about what he liked to do in the bedroom. He asked me what I liked to do. I started out pretty tame, just gauging his reaction, and got into the more extreme stuff when he gave me positive feedback. He has always been into kink but the girls he has dated before me have been vanilla. We had a great weekend together and I am happier and more calm than I have been in quite a while. I was looking online for some good reading material for inexperienced Doms. I can't teach him how to be Dominant because I've always been a sub. Anyone have any suggestions? You all are the most fantastic people I know. I was really unsure how to go about this whole thing and kinda embarrassed and y'all are always so much help.

EDIT: For who ever mentioned it, I forgot, I do have scars but they are all in places you wouldn't really notice unless you were looking for them.

Edited, Dec 10th 2011 4:29pm by Delva
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#61 Dec 10 2011 at 6:12 PM Rating: Default
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I am happier and more calm than I have been in quite a while.


You people who can only find peace and serenity from sex-acts are in a sad state of being.
I hope for your sake you find help before you ruin the sex-lives of too many more people and before you become too old for sex thus forcing yourself to live the rest of your life in abject emotional desperation.
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#62 Dec 10 2011 at 6:18 PM Rating: Excellent
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I'm pretty sure Dan Savage has posted some resources on his site before. Might take some searching, but it's a fun site anyway.
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#63 Dec 10 2011 at 6:45 PM Rating: Good
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
Quote:
I am happier and more calm than I have been in quite a while.


You people who can only find peace and serenity from sex-acts are in a sad state of being.
I hope for your sake you find help before you ruin the sex-lives of too many more people and before you become too old for sex thus forcing yourself to live the rest of your life in abject emotional desperation.

Fail troll is fail.

Seriously, stop trying so hard.
#64 Dec 10 2011 at 7:23 PM Rating: Excellent
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#65 Dec 10 2011 at 7:45 PM Rating: Default
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Nadenu wrote:

Seriously, stop trying so hard.


Speaking my mind isn't hard at all. While the rest of you want to cater to every possible way that you can appear to look like modern 21st century hipsters; I'm not drinking your Cool-aid.
Would you feel the same if this were your son or daughter? If you say yes then I feel sorry for you.

The title of this thread is the most relevant thing about it.
There's a word for blackballing someone because they don't want to just "go with the flow"
fascism
In this case going with the flow is encouraging someone to continue jumping off of emotional bridges..
I hope you're proud of yourselves, fascists.


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#66 Dec 10 2011 at 8:03 PM Rating: Good
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I like how you don't consider sex emotional. That just tells me that you've never really connected with a sexual partner.

There are a lot of emotional needs that sex can meet. Sometimes, they are purely personal. Other times, they are needs that actually require you to connect with your partner.

Either way, needs are needs. How about you stop trying to force people to feel ashamed for enjoying their bodies? If I were to have kids, I'd hope that they would be willing to find their own sexual boundaries instead of being ashamed of their sexual desires. Whether or not I'd want to know their sexual histories is a completely different question.
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#67 Dec 10 2011 at 8:25 PM Rating: Decent
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idiggory wrote:
I like how you don't consider sex emotional.


I never said I didn't consider sex emotional. I like how people think that just because something is based on emotion automatically makes it alright to just go with it no matter how damaged someone's emotions may be.
Try looking at this on a non-sexual level:
What if the OP was asking advice on how to tell her lover that she liked to have the crap beat out of her on a daily basis. Would you be so up in arms about encouraging her on how to succeed in this endeavor just because it is an emotional need? I would hope not.
Quote:

needs are needs. How about you stop trying to force people to feel ashamed for enjoying their bodies?

Needs are needs?.. what a bunch of nonsense.
If a friend of yours felt the "need" to abuse their own partner would you just say "HEY! that's your need!! GO for it!".

I'm surely not forcing anyone to feel ashamed of enjoying their bodies. If this person wasn't ashamed of themselves already then they wouldn't be finding sexual and emotional relief by being abused.
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#68 Dec 10 2011 at 8:26 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
Nadenu wrote:

Seriously, stop trying so hard.


Speaking my mind isn't hard at all. While the rest of you want to cater to every possible way that you can appear to look like modern 21st century hipsters; I'm not drinking your Cool-aid.
Would you feel the same if this were your son or daughter? If you say yes then I feel sorry for you.

The title of this thread is the most relevant thing about it.
There's a word for blackballing someone because they don't want to just "go with the flow"
fascism
In this case going with the flow is encouraging someone to continue jumping off of emotional bridges..
I hope you're proud of yourselves, fascists.


sup varus
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#69 Dec 10 2011 at 8:40 PM Rating: Default
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sup varus


yeah yeah.. Call me a prude all you like, sweetie; if everyone simply caved into their every emotion without a care in the world I hope you find yourself a good place to hide; 'cause I guarantee that world will be a sick and sticky place.
That probably sounds nice to a lot of people no doubt; until their denial falls away about what that really means.
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#70 Dec 10 2011 at 8:46 PM Rating: Excellent
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Sorry dear, I'm as vanilla as grandma's cookies. It's just the whole "fascism" bit started that train and now it's headed straight for varus country

Coupled with your avatar it's pretty hilarious

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Iamadam the Prophet wrote:

You know that feeling you get when you have a little bit of hope, only to have it ripped away? Sweetums feeds on that.
#71 Dec 10 2011 at 8:55 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
Quote:
sup varus


yeah yeah.. Call me a prude all you like, sweetie; if everyone simply caved into their every emotion without a care in the world I hope you find yourself a good place to hide; 'cause I guarantee that world will be a sick and sticky place.
That probably sounds nice to a lot of people no doubt; until their denial falls away about what that really means.

So, someone that likes rough sex will set in motion the downfall of the world?

Yeah, what Sweetums said - sup varus.
#72 Dec 10 2011 at 8:55 PM Rating: Excellent
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I'm surely not forcing anyone to feel ashamed of enjoying their bodies. If this person wasn't ashamed of themselves already then they wouldn't be finding sexual and emotional relief by being abused.


No one who partakes in healthy BDSM considers what is being done to them abuse. You are making a judgement call about what you see without even bothering to consider the emotional states of the two people participating in the encounter.

If someone has an emotional need to be dominated, then is it actually healthier for them to deny themselves that? You are assuming that it is a trait about their personality that they can exorcise. For most, it's just going to manifest as self-denial, which makes no one happy.
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#73 Dec 10 2011 at 9:08 PM Rating: Excellent
Kelvyquayo wrote:
There's a word for blackballing someone because they don't want to just "go with the flow"
fascism


I think the word you're looking for here is "ostracism".Smiley: schooled

You're welcome.Smiley: grin








I don't have a horse in this particular race, so, yeah; English lesson.Smiley: mad


Edited, Dec 10th 2011 8:09pm by Bijou
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#74 Dec 10 2011 at 9:15 PM Rating: Default
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Rough sex is not the same as abuse; hate to break it to you.
Playing around with pain is certainly not the same as being cut and burned.
If someone cannot enjoy sex without being injured then there are deeper emotional issues in the works there FAR beyond any sexual fetish.. so yes; I would say that feeding that monster is the wrong direction to go. Call me crazy.

sweet wrote:
It's just the whole "fascism" bit started that

yeah, I know..
It just amuses me that as soon any anyone steps in with an opinion that is against the status quo; out come the pitch-forks and torches.. like I am supposed to be ashamed that I have a different viewpoint.

Bijou wrote:
I think the word you're looking for here is "ostracism"


Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins; if they decided to ban or mute me.. and I haven't gotten any warning yet.. so yeah. BLODDY FASCISTS!!!!
It would have worked if you attacked my use of "blackballing"

Edited, Dec 10th 2011 10:20pm by Kelvyquayo
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#75 Dec 10 2011 at 9:54 PM Rating: Good
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Linky (a study done on sadomasochistic "disorders" for determining whether or not they should be included int the 5th edition of the DSM).

Quote:
Most studies of individuals practicing sadomasochism in the community have shown evidence of good psychological and social function, as measured by higher educational level, income, and occupational status compared with the general population (Breslow, Evans, & Langley, 1985; Moser & Levitt, 1987; Sandnabba, Santtila, & Nordling, 1999; Santtila, Sandnabba, & Nordling, 2000). Weinberg (2006) concluded his review of the social and psychological literature by saying that‘‘…sociological and social psychological studies see SM practitioners as emotionally and psychologically well balanced, generally comfortable with their sexual orientation, and socially well adjusted’’(p. 37). A recent study by Sagarin, Cutler, Cuther, LawlerSagarin, and Matuszewich (2009) examining hormone levelsand psychological measures of relationship closeness in subjects before and after participating in sadomasochistic activities reported reductions in physiological stress as measured by cortisol and increases in relationship closeness among participants who reported their SM activities went well.


So let's see. They function perfectly well in society, experienced decreased stress levels following BDSM encounters, and find themselves in closer relationships.

This same report also notes that there is a very common objection to listing some paraphillias as disorders since they don't appear to be pathological, they are unscientific, unnecessary, and they (improperly) pathologize groups who partake in them.

Edited, Dec 10th 2011 10:54pm by idiggory
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#76 Dec 10 2011 at 10:28 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
There's a word for blackballing someone because they don't want to just "go with the flow"
fascism

There's a word for crying "fascism" every time your unique little thoughts aren't cuddled and appreciated like precious puppies:
Immature.
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#77 Dec 10 2011 at 10:36 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Kelvyquayo wrote:
There's a word for blackballing someone because they don't want to just "go with the flow"
fascism
There's a word for crying "fascism" every time your unique little thoughts aren't cuddled and appreciated like precious puppies:
Immature Critical Thinking.
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#78 Dec 10 2011 at 11:06 PM Rating: Good
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Kelvyquayo wrote:

Playing around with pain is certainly not the same as being cut and burned.
If someone cannot enjoy sex without being injured then there are deeper emotional issues in the works there FAR beyond any sexual fetish.. so yes; I would say that feeding that monster is the wrong direction to go. Call me crazy.



Crazy.
Just because you don't understand someone else's emotional needs does not mean its wrong.
Playing around with pain can go FAR beyond cutting and burning and be perfectly healthy. (Balinese ball dance, OKeepah, suspension etc.)
you seem to have that wonderful personality of most zealots that screams "I'm not comfortable with that KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!"
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#79 Dec 10 2011 at 11:12 PM Rating: Excellent
I liked Kelvy better before he found "God".
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#80 Dec 10 2011 at 11:17 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins;

Well, you're technically incorrect. The community can ostracize you without admin involvement.
#81 Dec 10 2011 at 11:38 PM Rating: Good
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Allegory wrote:
Kelvyquayo wrote:
Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins;

Well, you're technically incorrect. The community can ostracize you without admin involvement.


Ironically, this is the polar opposite of gbaji's usual claim that oppression can't be oppression if a gov't does it.
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Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people

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#82 Dec 10 2011 at 11:42 PM Rating: Excellent
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Allegory wrote:
Kelvyquayo wrote:
Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins;

Well, you're technically incorrect. The community can ostracize you without admin involvement.


Have I mentioned we take large cash bribes to ostracize people recently by the way? just figured I'd mention that in case anyone is still shopping for last minute christmas gifts...
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#83 Dec 11 2011 at 12:01 AM Rating: Good
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Dread Lörd Kaolian wrote:
Allegory wrote:
Kelvyquayo wrote:
Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins;

Well, you're technically incorrect. The community can ostracize you without admin involvement.


Have I mentioned we take large cash bribes to ostracize people recently by the way? just figured I'd mention that in case anyone is still shopping for last minute christmas gifts...


The holiday season is a great time for charity...
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IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people

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#84 Dec 11 2011 at 12:57 AM Rating: Excellent
Omegavegeta wrote:
I liked Kelvy better before he "found" God.
I think this arrangement better, but that's just me.

Allegory wrote:
Kelvyquayo wrote:
Very clever, but the only people here that could technically "ostracize" me here are the admins;

Well, you're technically incorrect. The community can ostracize you without admin involvement.
@#%^ING Smiley: schooledSmiley: lol
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#85 Dec 11 2011 at 1:49 AM Rating: Excellent
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Omegavegeta wrote:
I liked Kelvy better before he found "God".


Meh. I've never been a fan.
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#86 Dec 11 2011 at 4:42 AM Rating: Good
Kao wrote:
Have I mentioned we take large cash bribes to ostracize people recently by the way? just figured I'd mention that in case anyone is still shopping for last minute christmas gifts...


If I bought Alma premium could I pick his avatar? Please?
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#87 Dec 11 2011 at 7:47 AM Rating: Excellent
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Needs are needs?.. what a bunch of nonsense.
If a friend of yours felt the "need" to abuse their own partner would you just say "HEY! that's your need!! GO for it!".


It's an issue if their partner doesn't consent.

If two people choose to do something that doesn't harm others, it's fine by me.
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#88 Dec 11 2011 at 8:14 AM Rating: Excellent
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Omegavegeta wrote:
I liked Kelvy better before he found "God".

This. He used to be moderately cool. Always on the odd side, but tolerable. Now he's just a seriously bad troll, and his troll is everything that give Christianity a bad name.
#89 Dec 11 2011 at 9:46 AM Rating: Excellent
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#90 Dec 11 2011 at 9:52 AM Rating: Default
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Sweetums wrote:
Say you have a scat fetish.

Then pull a LOL J/K and at that point he'll be so relieved, he'll be up for anything.

Unless he's into scat.


LOL totally reminded me of the Manage episode of Seinfeld. (no i don't really have a contribution other than that sorry.)
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#91 Dec 11 2011 at 10:48 AM Rating: Good
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I just scanned through this as it is time for bed but I had to reply. I do not require the rough stuff every day or even every week but it is a physical and emotional need for me. It is not a want, but a need. I am a Masochist and I need to feel pain. It is just like people going out for a drink after a rough day at work or someone hitting the gym really hard when they are angry or upset about something. It is a release. A way for me to calm myself and release stress and frustrations that I have pent up. I am consenting and my partner is consenting so I really don't see it as abuse. Next time, do some research and maybe actually READ the thread before you start using terms like that.
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#92 Dec 11 2011 at 11:18 AM Rating: Excellent
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Nadenu wrote:
Omegavegeta wrote:
I liked Kelvy better before he found "God".

This. He used to be moderately cool. Always on the odd side, but tolerable. Now he's just a seriously bad troll, and his troll is everything that give Christianity a bad name.



Is that what happened? I've been out of the loop.

In other news, I remember thinking "ostracize" had something to do with birds. Probably ostriches.

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#93 Dec 11 2011 at 11:20 AM Rating: Excellent
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Samira wrote:
In other news, I remember thinking "ostracize" had something to do with birds. Probably ostriches.

Ostrich in neon colored leg warmers and sweat bands.
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#94 Dec 11 2011 at 11:23 AM Rating: Good
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Delva wrote:
I just scanned through this as it is time for bed but I had to reply. I do not require the rough stuff every day or even every week but it is a physical and emotional need for me. It is not a want, but a need. I am a Masochist and I need to feel pain. It is just like people going out for a drink after a rough day at work or someone hitting the gym really hard when they are angry or upset about something. It is a release.
I'd probably stick it in the addiction column.

Have you ever explored why you need to feel pain?


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#95 Dec 11 2011 at 12:18 PM Rating: Decent
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I think a need to feel pain is different from a need to replace something in your life with pain. Cutting is a damaging activity because it is used to escape from yourself and suppress your emotions. It's solitary and is a way of dealing with emotional problems you don't have the tools to handle.

BDSM strikes me as being distinctly different. Especially since most people who partake in the practices don't have submissive/dominant personalities in their day to day lives.
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#96 Dec 11 2011 at 1:42 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kelvyquayo wrote:
Rough sex is not the same as abuse; hate to break it to you.
And abuse is not the same as BDSM; hate to break it to you.

Elinda wrote:
I'd probably stick it in the addiction column.

Have you ever explored why you need to feel pain?
Because pain in a D/s situation feels really @#%^ing good. I guess it's a mix of playing with fear, the release of adrenalin and being helpless. And it's a brilliant off switch for your brain for a lot of subs.
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#97 Dec 11 2011 at 2:57 PM Rating: Excellent
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#98 Dec 11 2011 at 3:11 PM Rating: Good
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I'm going to play devil's advocate and call you all fascists.
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#99 Dec 12 2011 at 12:48 AM Rating: Default
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Nads wrote:
and his troll is everything that give Christianity a bad name.


Declaring that the entire reason for being is to believe in God's Anointed and be perfected to people whose only point in life is to serve their flesh and their egos is what gives Christianity a bad name; let's not confuse the issue(the trolling).
The Truth always hurts when you reject it.

facistsSmiley: nod

Edited, Dec 12th 2011 1:49am by Kelvyquayo
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#100 Dec 12 2011 at 12:49 AM Rating: Good
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Smiley: disappointed

[EDIT]

Oh, and you know what I find a lot more disturbing than consenting adults experimenting with pain-pleasure conversions (which are a natural part of the human construct)?

Adults with imaginary friends. Especially when these adults get angry that we aren't willing to go to their tea parties, where they expect us to have conversations with their imaginary friend. And it's even worse when they start telling us what their imaginary friend thinks about our own life choices.

And they think we should just give them a pass to do it.

I'd like to try that sometime. "Hey, boss? My imaginary friend wants you to know that you're an @#%^ for not giving me a raise. He said it, not me. He just asked me to pass it along. Oh, and you're gonna burn in hell. Thought you outta know."

Edited, Dec 12th 2011 2:04am by idiggory
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IDrownFish wrote:
Anyways, you all are horrible, @#%^ed up people

lolgaxe wrote:
Never underestimate the healing power of a massive dong.
#101 Dec 12 2011 at 1:27 AM Rating: Good
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30,622 posts
Delva wrote:
I just scanned through this as it is time for bed but I had to reply. I do not require the rough stuff every day or even every week but it is a physical and emotional need for me. It is not a want, but a need. I am a Masochist and I need to feel pain. It is just like people going out for a drink after a rough day at work or someone hitting the gym really hard when they are angry or upset about something. It is a release. A way for me to calm myself and release stress and frustrations that I have pent up. I am consenting and my partner is consenting so I really don't see it as abuse. Next time, do some research and maybe actually READ the thread before you start using terms like that.


I have no problem with people getting rough during sex. Like someone else said, what goes on between two consenting adults behind closed doors is their business, not mine. But I don't understand a "need" to feel pain, and it makes me wonder if you'd resort to cutting if there was no sexual partner to do the cutting for you.

I may not agree with Kelvy 100%, but I do see where he's coming from to a certain extent. Saying it is "a physical and emotional need" seems a little scary to me. Kelvy's point about someone saying, "I need my partner to beat the crap out of me every day to feel loved" struck a chord with me. It does sound a little like what you're saying, and that makes me nervous.

However, I know little about BDSM, so there is that.
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Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007) wrote:
I am eternally grateful.. for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on.
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