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#27 Mar 08 2014 at 5:20 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.

Sorry to hear this, Belk. Glad you'll be coming back to the good state.

If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.
#28 Mar 08 2014 at 5:52 PM Rating: Excellent
Nadenu wrote:
If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.


I will take you up on that, as soon as I can procure a car. :D
#29 Mar 08 2014 at 5:53 PM Rating: Excellent
Also, oddly enough, one of my old co-workers at the good job I had in Nashville is going part time, and possibly leaving... my old boss is going to call me soon.
#30 Mar 08 2014 at 5:58 PM Rating: Excellent
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#31 Mar 08 2014 at 6:47 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Also, oddly enough, one of my old co-workers at the good job I had in Nashville is going part time, and possibly leaving... my old boss is going to call me soon.

Hope that works out. A bit of stability right now would be a good thing.
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Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#32 Mar 08 2014 at 6:51 PM Rating: Excellent
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That would be some damn good timing by your former colleague. I'm helpng you hope.
#33 Mar 08 2014 at 6:52 PM Rating: Good
Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.
#34 Mar 08 2014 at 7:11 PM Rating: Default
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Belkira wrote:
The problem is.... I'm basically destitute now. My current job doesn't pay sh*t, we only have one car, and even if I wanted to take it, I couldn't afford the car payment and insurance, and I'm on his health insurance.


Not trying to be funny, but don't forget about ACA. Hopefully, you can get something.
#35 Mar 08 2014 at 7:28 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
His Excellency Aethien wrote:
Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.

Doesn't make the whole situation less shitty, though.
What TLW said.


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I'd like to thank the academy...
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#36 Mar 08 2014 at 8:02 PM Rating: Excellent
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Nadenu wrote:
If you want, once you get settled in, we should go have a drink or five. Next month, 6 months later, 2 years later, whenever. I'm being serious.


I will take you up on that, as soon as I can procure a car. :D

It's a date.
#37 Mar 08 2014 at 8:08 PM Rating: Good
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Belki! Smiley: frown My deepest commiserations. I hope like hell you two come out of this friends. Or that at least, you come to peace with how the two of you do wind up, in each other's lives or out of them. Once you get settled in you could invite Nadenu around and make *her* drive/bus to you. Smiley: sly
#38 Mar 08 2014 at 9:31 PM Rating: Good
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
Friar Bijou wrote:
Smasharoo wrote:
Which state did you end up in?
Florida, unless her mom drives her across a state line.


I'll be heading back to Tennessee. He will remain in Florida.


That's a shame. I actually wanted to see you sometime while you were here in Florida. My brother lives in Tennessee though, so maybe someday.
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#39 Mar 09 2014 at 12:11 PM Rating: Good
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Sorry to hear this, Belkira.

Make sure to take care of yourself, as divorces are always stressful no matter how hard you try to settle things between the two of you. Since you were married 10 years, you should qualify for half of his retirement benefits by law. Ten years is a long time to stick it out, but the government recognizes it as if you never divorce for Soc Sec. Benefits at retirement age, as long as you don't remarry.

Did I say to make sure you take care of yourself? Try to find time to pamper yourself as often as you can. The coming months of stress can take a toll on your body, as I well know.
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#40 Mar 09 2014 at 2:07 PM Rating: Excellent
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Bel, I'm sorry to hear this. While it doesn't help make you feel better now, I want you to know that what you are doing is brave, staying true to yourself, even if it means letting go of someone you love. I had to do something similar not that long ago and making that choice to stay true was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

Hugs
#41 Mar 10 2014 at 5:59 PM Rating: Good
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I'm sorry to hear that, Belkira. :(
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#42 Mar 11 2014 at 4:14 PM Rating: Good
Wow, sucks to hear that. And, uh, sorry about that post I made.
#43 Mar 11 2014 at 4:39 PM Rating: Good
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Timelordwho wrote:
Quote:
It is good that he is willing to admit his faults in his views about monogamy


That's not necessarily a fault. The fault was lack of communication, probably driven by a desire TO keep them together.


I don't want to argue your entire point in this thread..whether or not to think that belief in polygamy or just multiple partners is a good thing or bad..
..but I would still say that in this case it was indeed the fault of his views about monogamy if indeed he held to this view and at the same time entered into a monogamous relationship.. whether he was deluded or whether he simply thought that he COULD change his ways (and failed) it is still a fault that he couldn't just come to grips with his personal view of monogamy before he got married.
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#44 Mar 12 2014 at 7:26 AM Rating: Good
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I would imagine that the normal person of our society would expect going into a marriage that it would be a monogamous relationship. If this were not the intention, seems like it would be an oddball enough thing that the two would have discussed and agreed on alternate arrangements.

If Mr. Belk married without the intention of being monogamous and failed to relate that to Belkira, I think that is dishonest. Sure, maybe she should have specifically asked the question about sexual exclusivity, but again, in our society monogamy is pretty much a default marriage position.
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#45 Mar 12 2014 at 7:28 AM Rating: Excellent
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...Enough so that if you suggested removing the "forsaking all others" clause from the vows, most partners would be.... curious.... as to why.

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#46 Mar 12 2014 at 7:37 AM Rating: Good
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The vows need to be updated for the new millennium.
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#47 Mar 12 2014 at 12:39 PM Rating: Excellent
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will. And he will always seek out relationships with other women that could one day lead to that.

It's been an ongoing problem in our marriage. Really, the only problem to be honest, that's why it went on so long. He can try to live his way, and I wish him the absolute best. I just can't live that way, and it's not fair for me to force him to live my way, and it's not fair for him to force me to live his. He was compromising in ways, but in my opinion, he has had "emotional" affairs, if you will.

We had a long talk last night and I feel better about the situation. We both might be miserable right now, and for a while, but in the end, it's going to be for the best.
#48 Mar 12 2014 at 12:49 PM Rating: Good
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Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about sex with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.

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#49 Mar 12 2014 at 12:53 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
The vows need to be updated for the new millennium.
Seriously, since sex isn't necessary for kids anymore ...or marriage, I could conceive of a time when our preferred life partner was not necessarily the same person as our preferred sex partner(s).


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#50 Mar 12 2014 at 1:00 PM Rating: Excellent
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Elinda wrote:
Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

Obligatory Onion Article
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#51 Mar 12 2014 at 1:04 PM Rating: Good
Elinda wrote:
Belkira the Tulip wrote:
He never cheated on me. Let me be clear about that. He says he hasn't, and I believe him. However, he has always wanted to. And he always will.
That seems so normal.

Don't we all fantasize about sex with someone who's not our partner? Understanding that it's just fantasy and rarely is the grass any greener in someone else's pasture and vows are designed to keep just such thoughts from ever becoming action is kind of what marriage is all about.



Fantasizing and actively seeking out relationships with women in the hopes it will lead to an affair are two different things. He was consistently being over friendly with other women, which cause an issue with me, and he never seemed to be too concerned about how much it hurt me.

Six years ago we went to counseling because he would not stop talking to his ex girlfriends. He agreed that he would stop, and as far as I knew, it had. I found out last Friday that he had a "fake" Facebook account and he was continuing to talk to at least one of them. But it was his new "friend" at work that was the recent issue, and it was a fight about her and how he acted with her (constantly texting, sending private facebook messages, IM'ing at work all day, etc.) that led to him finally being honest with why he acts like this with every female that gives him the slightest bit of attention. I had asked him not to go to lunch with this chick alone, because I was already concerned about the amount that they were talking. He promised he wouldn't. Turns out he has at least three times.

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