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Wisdom from Steven WrightFollow

#1 Sep 17 2016 at 10:05 AM Rating: Excellent
3,614 posts
All those who believe in psychokinesis — raise my hand.

For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”

They say laughter's the best medicine. I think it's cocaine and whiskey.

I've never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it.

I bought instant water, but I don't know what to add

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

I woke up one morning and discovered that someone had broken into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. My room mate walk out, and I said "Look, someone broke into the apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates." He looked at me and said "Who are you?"
Dandruffshampoo wrote:
Curses, beaten by Professor stupidopo-opo.
Annabella, Goblin in Disguise wrote:
Stupidmonkey is more organized than a bag of raccoons.
#2 Sep 18 2016 at 10:59 PM Rating: Good
6,470 posts
I see.
Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#3 Sep 19 2016 at 4:20 AM Rating: Good
GBATE!! Never saw it coming
9,509 posts
So, I get home really drunk and put my car key into the lock on my front door.

And the house started up.

So I'm driving my house down the street.....

Guy says, "HEY! Get off the road!!

I says, HEY!

...get out of my driveway.

Edited, Sep 19th 2016 4:22am by Bijou
Jophiel wrote:
Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#4 Sep 19 2016 at 8:03 AM Rating: Good
50,300 posts
Friends are just enemies that don't have the guts to kill you. Smiley: schooled
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
#5 Sep 19 2016 at 11:16 AM Rating: Excellent
Meat Popsicle
13,585 posts
Well don't forget about the lazy part too. Some of us have a distaste for manual labor.
That monster in the mirror, he just might be you. -Grover
#6 Sep 19 2016 at 11:36 AM Rating: Good
35,253 posts
I bought a pair of contacts. But I only need them for reading. So I got flip ups.
King Nobby wrote:
More words please
#7 Sep 19 2016 at 6:05 PM Rating: Good
Repressed Memories
20,964 posts
Everyone who has ever said they loved you was just trying to get something out of you.
#8 Sep 20 2016 at 7:40 AM Rating: Good
50,300 posts
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like? "
George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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