I got a huge wakeup call last night. My g/f of 2.5 years and I almost split up because of this game. We had a great relationship until I decided to buy this game when PS2 version came out and ever since then its been going downhill. I never saw anything wrong because I have been so trapped in the FFXI world for the last year and last night brought it all into perspective. The one that stuck out the most was when she said "I dont remember the last time I felt like I was in a relationship" That really hurt and made me decide its time to cut ffxi out as much as I can.
I have seen 4 people close to me in-game have their marriages crumble because of this game this past year but never thought it could happen to me. A main reason for 3 of these breakups is because the husband and wife both played the game and the wife had started a relationship (in real life) with someone they met in the game.
(dont flame me for this ... its just what I read) In an article I read that MOST males play this game for the competition and the endgame... getting stronger, better equip etc. MOST females play this game for the social interaction, meeting people etc. not necesseraly for romance but just to meet people.
Unfortunately I never saw this coming because my girlfriend has no interest in this game whatsoever. She got to lvl 5 and gave up never to come back. Dont get me wrong. I know many people in game with sucessful relationships where both people in the relationship play. But here is just a warning for everyone.
This game is just a game. Point blank. I took it as a lifestyle and spent a good portion of the last year sitting in front of my TV and ignoring my significant other (even though we live together) Keep in mind the warning that shows up when we all log on. Dont get so involved with a game that you neglect the things in life that are really important. Online games dont last forever and when it dies out you will be wondering what happened to your life while you spent endless hours playing.
That being said, I'm cutting my playtime down significantly so if anyone is looking for me I'm not going to play too much. My gf gets home 1.5 hrs later than I do so I can play from 5:30-7:00 EST. After that the game goes off. I still love this game but I also have realized that there are more important things. So anyone who is looking for me knows what is up.
Edited, Tue Mar 15 18:34:59 2005 by sleekmotorwurkz
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Quote:
My g/f of 2.5 years and I almost split up because of this game
Glad it was just an "almost" and didn't split.
Sorry to hear that man. I remember that I started this game about the same time you did. I remember my very first quest was with you and a few others, the "Gustaburg Tour". We even had a guide, and we all got slaughtered. I think we all had managed to talk to the NPC first though, and finish the quest, so all was good. I had no idea were we were walking to, or what the place was like, much less the sense to open my map and look.
Anyway, being married myself, I can understand where you are coming from. It didn't take long from when I started the game, to decide I needed to limit myself to a schedule and stick to it. Now I play for about 3 hours a night (until midnight), 4 nights a week. I don't start until the rest of my family has gone to bed, so I'm not taking any time away from them. On occasion, when my wife and daughter nap at the same time on weekends, I might get a couple of hours then, to farm or craft or something.
Good luck with your new balancing act! I hope everything works out for the best.
chluke wrote:
Glad it was just an "almost" and didn't split.
sleekmotorwurkz wrote:
seen 4 people close to me in-game have their marriages crumble because of this game this past year but never thought it could happen to me. A main reason for 3 of these breakups is because the husband and wife both played the game and the wife had started a relationship (in real life) with someone they met in the game.
Well, just to offer a counterpoint... A relationship that is solid is not going to be torn apart by a video game, and affairs will not be commonplace.
If one or the other partner begins "seeing" someone else, whether in-game or IRL, it's a signal that the relationship between the two partners was already incomplete, and being neglected.
My wife and I both play. We've also been married for 14 years.
Neither one of us has a chance above 0.00000001% of straying, whether in real life or in game (or the internet at large) because we've spent 14 years building our relationship and hammering out our issues, together.
You did good, recognizing the fact that you were neglecting something important in your life, and you've got your priorities worked out after all.
I feel bad for those who's life the game has 'apparently' torn apart, but don't decieve yourself... people who are driven to 'cheating' were already on the way, wideo game or not.
Never confuse the vehicle for the cause.
Edited, Tue Mar 15 22:01:32 2005 by Tenmiles
Relationships are often not perfect. Not only people often do not understand the purpose of being in a relationship, but also they exploit it to suit their own needs.
One of my acquaintance always complains how her boyfriend "ignores" her because of his work / friends / his love of motorbikes, despite the fact that he is a very endearing guy who treats her with deep respect and kindness. But no, that was not enough. She wants him to be around her ALL THE TIME and listen to what she has to say. Then when he gets laid off, she didn't even care a bit for him. Instead, she whines about him not working hard to support "their relationship" and she is in "emotional distress". And no, she is a college dropout who doesn't even work.
I've known many selfish types like that, who only wants to "get something" out of a relationship. Sometimes it is money, sometimes it is attention.
Relationship often starts up cozy and warm, with romantic poems and solemn sworn. But in the end, it is about mutual respect and provide support beyond the best friends can provide - caring for each other in sickness, be the one to discuss career paths freely without fears of jealousy and doubt and actually stick with each other if it comes down to poverty or down turns in one's life.
If two people are meant to be together, then they will. If not, it is not wise to force it. One thing I found is the impossibility for people to change their habits. Of course any annoying habits can be changed during the romantic moments and things always look pretty under the candle light, but consider a marriage often lasts for years... old habits would surface not long after the candle lights are dimmed.
Hence if she decides to break up, then she only enjoyed doing things with you but doesn't enjoy the core personality you have in your soul.
One of my acquaintance always complains how her boyfriend "ignores" her because of his work / friends / his love of motorbikes, despite the fact that he is a very endearing guy who treats her with deep respect and kindness. But no, that was not enough. She wants him to be around her ALL THE TIME and listen to what she has to say. Then when he gets laid off, she didn't even care a bit for him. Instead, she whines about him not working hard to support "their relationship" and she is in "emotional distress". And no, she is a college dropout who doesn't even work.
I've known many selfish types like that, who only wants to "get something" out of a relationship. Sometimes it is money, sometimes it is attention.
Relationship often starts up cozy and warm, with romantic poems and solemn sworn. But in the end, it is about mutual respect and provide support beyond the best friends can provide - caring for each other in sickness, be the one to discuss career paths freely without fears of jealousy and doubt and actually stick with each other if it comes down to poverty or down turns in one's life.
If two people are meant to be together, then they will. If not, it is not wise to force it. One thing I found is the impossibility for people to change their habits. Of course any annoying habits can be changed during the romantic moments and things always look pretty under the candle light, but consider a marriage often lasts for years... old habits would surface not long after the candle lights are dimmed.
Hence if she decides to break up, then she only enjoyed doing things with you but doesn't enjoy the core personality you have in your soul.
For anyone in a relationship or otherwise who finds themselves attracted to someone in game. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT try to get involved with them. I made the unfortunate accident of dating someone I met in game. Let's just say he seemed a lot more emotionally stable behind a screen than he actually is in real life. I won't go into details but his abusive nature was very frightening and gave me new perspective on the meaning of 'relationship'. So please don't go through the same catastrophe I went through and keep your cyber-relationships cyber and anonymous. Anonymous part REAL important. Your real name is sacred.
I was also one of those players who almost ruined his marriage, by playing too much. I ended up finding a group of players that leveled one day per week in an awesome static party. My wife and I agreed to the time.
Life is good now and I am spending more quality time with my wife. Good luck! It is only a game, but I really enjoy it.
Life is good now and I am spending more quality time with my wife. Good luck! It is only a game, but I really enjoy it.
I too faced this problem at one point about 2 months ago. I was playing too much (when I switched from Blm to Rng).
I love this game. In RL I am in management and I rarely see the direct "immediate accomplishment" that is provided in game. I love to play the game for this reason as well as the social interaction.
One advantage I have nowm is my wife plays and I agree with Tenmiles that if a person cheats with someone they encountered in the game then it was going to happen anyway. The game only provided them the contact/attention they were seeking anyway.
Shurikenger is right about one thing. Pay attention to the warning when you log on. This game is addictive.
I love this game. In RL I am in management and I rarely see the direct "immediate accomplishment" that is provided in game. I love to play the game for this reason as well as the social interaction.
One advantage I have nowm is my wife plays and I agree with Tenmiles that if a person cheats with someone they encountered in the game then it was going to happen anyway. The game only provided them the contact/attention they were seeking anyway.
Shurikenger is right about one thing. Pay attention to the warning when you log on. This game is addictive.
I really like the way Nemelle put it.
I'd also like to offer an idea which I've come to learn is very very true in a long term relationship.
You relationship is like a garden.
It can be very beautiful.
You tend it together.
Once in a while, a great big load of sh[/i]it (manure) will get dumped on it by one or the other of you.
Remember that this is fertilizer.
You have to be prepared and willing to get knee-deep into that pile of sh[/i]it, rake it around, and work through it, in order for your garden to grow even more beautiful afterwards.
I'd also like to offer an idea which I've come to learn is very very true in a long term relationship.
You relationship is like a garden.
It can be very beautiful.
You tend it together.
Once in a while, a great big load of sh[/i]it (manure) will get dumped on it by one or the other of you.
Remember that this is fertilizer.
You have to be prepared and willing to get knee-deep into that pile of sh[/i]it, rake it around, and work through it, in order for your garden to grow even more beautiful afterwards.
I'm just lucky my g/f likes to play. We first started doing this a few years back when I was into playing Asheron's Call 2. One word of advice though.. if she wants to go do something other than hop on and play.. DO IT! It's good to get away from the computer :)
Scholar
39 posts
I am glad that somebody finally brought this up. I had thought about doing it but didnt know if it was something that anybody would care to see addressed here. First I would like to say that this game can cause a problem when there wasnt one before based on the addictive nature of the game. Your mates feelings will be hurt if you start spending hours playing this highly addictive game. Anytime somebody gets less attention from a loved one that they are used to getting, it will create a problem, even if there wasnt one before. RL is more important then this game. I have talked to people in game who have quit jobs, quit school, lost friends or loved ones. I talked to one person who said he hasnt had a date in over a year and a half. I asked, how long have you been playing...a year and a half. Go figure.
This game is fun but remember your loved ones. I have been married to a great woman for 13 years. We have had to deal with "fertilizer" and we have kept most of the weekds out of our "garden" but this game doesnt always allow the sunlight necessary for the flowers to grow the way they could or the way they should.
It is always a bad thing to find out that the person you thought you knew on line is not who they represented themselves to be. That is always a hard leesson to learn.
I will address one other issue that I didnt see addressed here and that is how we interact with others in the game. Remember that what you say, how you act, and how you treat somebody in the game when you know they are in a relationship may create a problem in their home life and they should be treated with the respect that a commited or married person should be treated.
I love my dear wife Orefise and playing the game with her is fun and I am sure that many of you play with your mate feel the same way. REMEMBER- there are things you can do together in the real world that will ALWAYS be more fun.
I hope that everybody who plays this game will read this thread and take it to heart. I dont think the creators of this game wanted to break up families and tear apart lives. If they did, they wouldnt put that warning at the log in screen.
I challenge everybody that reads this to not log in Monday Night 3-21-05 and take that time to spend with a loved one. What a great way to reconnect.
Have fun and take care.
This game is fun but remember your loved ones. I have been married to a great woman for 13 years. We have had to deal with "fertilizer" and we have kept most of the weekds out of our "garden" but this game doesnt always allow the sunlight necessary for the flowers to grow the way they could or the way they should.
It is always a bad thing to find out that the person you thought you knew on line is not who they represented themselves to be. That is always a hard leesson to learn.
I will address one other issue that I didnt see addressed here and that is how we interact with others in the game. Remember that what you say, how you act, and how you treat somebody in the game when you know they are in a relationship may create a problem in their home life and they should be treated with the respect that a commited or married person should be treated.
I love my dear wife Orefise and playing the game with her is fun and I am sure that many of you play with your mate feel the same way. REMEMBER- there are things you can do together in the real world that will ALWAYS be more fun.
I hope that everybody who plays this game will read this thread and take it to heart. I dont think the creators of this game wanted to break up families and tear apart lives. If they did, they wouldnt put that warning at the log in screen.
I challenge everybody that reads this to not log in Monday Night 3-21-05 and take that time to spend with a loved one. What a great way to reconnect.
Have fun and take care.
Wow, I think that is a great idea! spending some time with loved ones! Good call, you guys wont see me at all monday night!
Later all my boss is lookin at me lol
:)
Later all my boss is lookin at me lol
:)
I already tried the whole relationship thing once, hated it and the effort it took... not interested in trying that again for a long, long time, because I know I'm nowhere near ready for it.
There isn't really anything in real life left to interest me, aside from these silly video games. In fact, once the day comes where there's not a game left that I'd want to play, I'd probably just end my life right there. Spoken like a true addict, I know. But that's just who I am and where I'm at right now. If it's meant to change, it'll change... and if it isn't, it won't. Don't really give a damn either way.
Best of luck to you, regardless.
There isn't really anything in real life left to interest me, aside from these silly video games. In fact, once the day comes where there's not a game left that I'd want to play, I'd probably just end my life right there. Spoken like a true addict, I know. But that's just who I am and where I'm at right now. If it's meant to change, it'll change... and if it isn't, it won't. Don't really give a damn either way.
Best of luck to you, regardless.
I know exactly how Fynlar feels.
See my marriage ended 1 month before starting this game and I really didnt have anything much to look forward to in RL. Some ppl may say Im an addict but Im really just trying to live my life inside this world as apposed to the real one. Over the course of playing this I have lost my father and both grandparents to death. My bestfriend got pregnant so I dont get to see her much anymore, I dated a girl after my marriage but she lead me along like a puppet to only make a fool of me in the end, and I cant stand my job. There are those times that I wonder to myself why Im still here but then I flip the switch log into Lakshmi and RL worries seem to melt away. In RL ive lost many ppl and its the same with this game since a lot of the original ppl I started playing with have quit but Ive met so many more new and interesting ppl. I am moving however in October and will no longer be able to play then but til that day comes I will continue to be an addict to make sure I make it to that last day.
***This is only my opinion, I respect anyone elses of course, for each person has their own reasons***
See my marriage ended 1 month before starting this game and I really didnt have anything much to look forward to in RL. Some ppl may say Im an addict but Im really just trying to live my life inside this world as apposed to the real one. Over the course of playing this I have lost my father and both grandparents to death. My bestfriend got pregnant so I dont get to see her much anymore, I dated a girl after my marriage but she lead me along like a puppet to only make a fool of me in the end, and I cant stand my job. There are those times that I wonder to myself why Im still here but then I flip the switch log into Lakshmi and RL worries seem to melt away. In RL ive lost many ppl and its the same with this game since a lot of the original ppl I started playing with have quit but Ive met so many more new and interesting ppl. I am moving however in October and will no longer be able to play then but til that day comes I will continue to be an addict to make sure I make it to that last day.
***This is only my opinion, I respect anyone elses of course, for each person has their own reasons***
Gonna probably step on afew toes here, but I dont really care.
Real Life > FFXI
Period, the end, no contest.
Letting a freaking video game become the focus of your life is pure BS. Take time to phone your mother/gilfreind/father/grandmother. Go out for dinner with people, go hit the mall with your friends.
Real Life > FFXI
Period, the end, no contest.
Letting a freaking video game become the focus of your life is pure BS. Take time to phone your mother/gilfreind/father/grandmother. Go out for dinner with people, go hit the mall with your friends.
Quote:
MY Real Life > FFXI
Period, the end, no contest.
Period, the end, no contest.
Fixed it for you.
I work alot and didnt have a real social life so I played tons but now that I have this interest from this girl real life seems alot more fun to me....Lvl whm or.....booty....Do I need to say more? :)
Real Life should always be #1.
Real Life should always be #1.
I work alot and didnt have a real social life so I played tons but now that I have this interest from this girl real life seems alot more fun to me....Lvl whm or.....booty....Do I need to say more? :)
Real Life should always be #1.
Real Life should always be #1.
Real life should be number one? Obviously you haven't seen some peoples lives. Some people, myself included, don't just play for entertainment, but to escape from the nightmare that is their day-to-day life. Sad? Well, some people just aren't as lucky as others.
Vayne you know it could always be worse, could live in a 3rd world country with no clean water and no real clothes and dunno if your gonna starve to death.
I know some peoples lives do look bad but you must always remember, it could be far far worse.
I know some peoples lives do look bad but you must always remember, it could be far far worse.
Scholar
39 posts
I think this has gotten a little away from the subject that Sleek started. It isnt so much that RL should be your priority or is should always be more important. It is about relationships with other people being the priority. If you dont have any RL relationships (i.e. wife, bf,gf,so,mom,dad,sis,bro, etc) that need attention, then I say GAME ON! What Sleek was addressing was specifically his need to maintain a relationship and to over advice to others who may also have a relationship worth holding on to. Maybe you have had that special someone or will have that special someone soon, and when you do then take a read through here again so that you dont get caught in a situation that may cost you something that is dear to you. I know that there are people in the world who can afford to play this game every waking hour and it wont cost them that someone special. To you , this thread really doesnt apply. For those of you that are in a committed relationship right now, read this thread with an open mind. He or she may act like it is okay that you spend all your free time playing and if you dont pay attention to them, you will soon have a lot of free time on your hands.
Additionally, Orefise and I will be getting married in game soon. I would like the date to be April 10 as a celebration of our 13 years of marraige. I have one more level and last AF piece to get so that I can wear what she wants me to but I would ask anybody who knows her or I to join us. It will not be a SE wedding as trying to get a specific date from them SUCKS. It will be a role play wedding in Lufaise Meadows. Hope to see you all there.
If you do have somebody special in your life...go afk for a minute and tell them you love them, hug them, kiss them, call them, whatever...just let them know that they mean the world to you.
Additionally, Orefise and I will be getting married in game soon. I would like the date to be April 10 as a celebration of our 13 years of marraige. I have one more level and last AF piece to get so that I can wear what she wants me to but I would ask anybody who knows her or I to join us. It will not be a SE wedding as trying to get a specific date from them SUCKS. It will be a role play wedding in Lufaise Meadows. Hope to see you all there.
If you do have somebody special in your life...go afk for a minute and tell them you love them, hug them, kiss them, call them, whatever...just let them know that they mean the world to you.
That was exactly what I was trying to say Big thanks for reiterating. Anyway congrats on your marriage...and anniversary. Im trying to get my final 2 promys done this week and next week so tell my buddy Orefise I hope to make it to Lufaise by then so I can come watch.
-Sleek
-Sleek
Quote:
Lvl whm or.....booty....Do I need to say more? :)
Yeah, I'd prefer the former. I'd prefer replacing "WHM" with "RDM" even more, though. XD
Quote:
Real life should be number one? Obviously you haven't seen some peoples lives. Some people, myself included, don't just play for entertainment, but to escape from the nightmare that is their day-to-day life. Sad? Well, some people just aren't as lucky as others.
Thank you, exactly the point I've wanted to make.
Quote:
I know some peoples lives do look bad but you must always remember, it could be far far worse.
Yes, someone ALWAYS has it worse off than you. That doesn't immediately make your situation "ok". Why even bother having counselors and therapists in this world, if that were the case?
As for Bigpappapump's post, well said. Rated up. ^^
I know i am going to be simply restating what has already been stated, but on a topic like this, i just had to add my 2 cents. IMHO, rl is by far, more important than this game shall ever be. I totaly agree when you say that this game is an escape from the everyday rl grind. I work nights, 5 days a week sometimes, so i know exactly what a rl grind is and what it can be, and this game is a wonderfull escape. I just wanted to make the point though, that you cant spend all your time with this escape. If you dont have a significant other, and you are of a reasonable age, i personaly would want to be out looking for that special someone. I mean, it is possible to meet that person in game, but not terribly likely. I have had a special someone, (not anymore, but it didnt end because of this game) and i know, that the best thing in life is to have that someone to love and hold on to. That, ladies and gentlemen is more of an escape than this game could ever hope to offer, because that, is real. It is physical, you can touch it, you can smell it and you can feel it in more ways that just with your hands. Lying next to that person and knowing you are safe, and that you are loved is so important. If you already have found this person, hold onto them with everything you've got. If you havent found this person, dont worry, you will. They are out there, you just have to get up off that computer chair and find them.
after my fiance dumped me for real life issues (other than playing too much FFXI) i just have no drive to play anymore...other than once in a while...mainly cos it was something we did together...
great now my favorite game of the series is ruined because of this....
***grrrr***
great now my favorite game of the series is ruined because of this....
***grrrr***
Yes, real life is more IMPORTANT. Without it supporting you, you can't play this game. But, to say its necessarily BETTER because of that fact, isn't something you should assume. This game life of mine is far better than my real one.
To be on topic, indeed relationships should take priority, outside of game AND in. Great friendships can be formed in game, and it doesn't hurt to say 'hi' now and then between your leveling/crafting/ranking/gil raising ventures. I don't have much experience with relationships outside of game, since I've only had this game for so long, but a lot of folks here have sound advice.
To be on topic, indeed relationships should take priority, outside of game AND in. Great friendships can be formed in game, and it doesn't hurt to say 'hi' now and then between your leveling/crafting/ranking/gil raising ventures. I don't have much experience with relationships outside of game, since I've only had this game for so long, but a lot of folks here have sound advice.
Well I hate to say it but I guess it had to happen eventually. It appears that my not playing ffxi and spending more time with my g/f was too little too late. Her heart just isnt in it anymore. I feel it more and more every day. Last night we got in an argument because I am going to see my family for easter and she "Doesnt feel comfortable around them" Every family event for the last 2 years we have done together but she doesnt want to come this time. My family loves her and have never done anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I see it as just a way to distance herself from me a little more. I think she knows it wont last and she just doesnt want to show it in front of my family. When we left for work today she said we will talk about it tonite. I think I might end it. The lease on our apartment isnt up for another 6 months and neither of us can afford it on our own. I can move back in with my parents and it wont be a big deal. But she is kinda stuck b/c her parents live a few states away. So I guess I will be living with a roommate instead of a girlfriend for the next 6 months. PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN ALL. If you have a girlfriend dont let it get to this point. If you are lucky to have a significant other put down the controller and do stuff with them before it becomes too late. Im sorry for rambling on but I just needed to vent.
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